Tips for New and Struggling Marriages - Bible Class Discussion Guide
Built around Steve's lesson on Ephesians 5 and biblical principles for marriage.

A Note for the Teacher
Classes usually have a mixed audience — newlyweds, longtime spouses, the struggling, the single, the divorced, the widowed, etc. Read the room. Some questions will land harder on some people than others. The goal of this class isn't to embarrass anyone or put any marriage on display — it's to push each person toward what God designed marriage to be.

Opening Prayer
Ask God for honest hearts, humility about our own marriages, and wisdom to apply what we hear.

Opening Question
Steve made the observation that you have to get trained to flip burgers at McDonald's, but anyone who wants to can get married — no training, no education, no preparation required. What does that tell us about how our culture actually values marriage compared to how God values it? And what does it mean that the most important human relationship a person will ever enter is the one we prepare for the least?

Section One: Commitment
Read aloud: Matthew 19:4–6
Questions
1. Steve told the story of his childhood friend Tammy, who got divorced within months of marrying a boy she'd known since kindergarten — because "it wasn't what I thought it was going to be." Steve said her father should have told her, "You are home. Go work and make it work." What does it say about a marriage when one spouse believes leaving is still an option? And what does it say about a marriage when both spouses know it isn't?
2. Steve told the story of the husband who forgot Valentine's Day, came home to a burning candle and a heartbreak waiting in the bedroom. His point: "I knew she was mad at me and she had right to be, but the concept of divorce was not even in our minds because we entered this relationship with commitment." What does commitment do in a marriage that love alone can't?
3. The sermon stated most people misunderstand love — they think it's a feeling that comes and goes. But biblical love, he said, is "commitment to another person's well-being." That's why Jesus could command us to love our enemies. How does redefining love from a feeling to a commitment change the way a struggling spouse approaches a hard season?
4. The observation was made that in struggling marriages, "somebody is not doing what God said to do." Not always both spouses — but always somebody. Is that a fair assumption? What does it suggest is the first place to look when a marriage starts to drift?

Section Two: Honor
Read aloud: Ephesians 5:33 and 1 Peter 3:7
Questions
1. Another observation worth thinking about: besides God, the person who knows your weaknesses, embarrassing moments, and vulnerabilities better than anyone else is your spouse. That knowledge is either a weapon or a safeguard. How can a husband or wife tell which one it has become in their own marriage?
2. Steve told the story of the couple he and Kim had dinner with as newlyweds — verbal jabs back and forth across the table all night long. He said he and Kim sat in the car afterward and made a promise to each other never to do that. Why do you think so many couples slide into that pattern? And what makes the public version of it especially damaging?
3. Steve said preacher friends have tried to bait Kim into joining in on jokes at his expense, and she's never taken the bait. He said, "How do you think that makes me feel as a husband when my wife refuses to dishonor me?" Flip that around: what does it actually do to a marriage — slowly, over years — when one spouse learns the other will dishonor them in front of others?
4. Steve told the story of the man in Flint who yelled at his wife in front of the entire church picnic, "Put that cake down, you old heifer." Everyone laughed but her. Steve said, "You can say you're just joking. Find other ways to have fun." Where's the line between teasing your spouse and dishonoring him or her? Who decides where that line is — the one teasing or the one being teased?
5. Peter says in 1 Peter 3:7 that a husband who doesn't dwell with his wife according to understanding will have his prayers hindered. That's a serious warning. Why would God tie a husband's prayer life to how he treats his wife? What does that connection reveal about how God views the marriage relationship?

Section Three: Keep Courtship Alive
Read aloud: Ephesians 5:28–29
Questions
1. The sermon borrowed a term from business law: bait and switch. The store advertises something great, you show up, and they tell you it's gone — but here's something else instead. He said couples do this to each other constantly. They knock themselves out to win their spouse — flowers, doors, letters, attention — and then the wedding happens and the campaign ends. Why is this so common? And what is it actually communicating to a spouse when the effort stops the day after the vows?
2. If a husband came home with flowers today, his wife might ask, "What did you do?" — because it would be so unusual. What does it say about the state of a marriage when an ordinary gesture of affection becomes evidence that something must be wrong?
3. Ephesians 5:29 says husbands are to cherish their wives. The sermon compared the word to fine china — not the everyday plates you grab without thinking, but the dishes kept behind glass, brought out carefully, treated like they matter. Why is the everyday dishes version of marriage so easy to drift into? And what does treating a spouse like china actually look like on any given Tuesday night?
4. Steve told the story of tracking down and buying back his father-in-law's fiddle — the one Kim used to play piano alongside as a girl. He paid more than it was worth because he knew what it would mean to her. What does that story illustrate about creative romance that just remembering an anniversary doesn't?

Section Four: Love Languages and Knowing Your Spouse
Read aloud: 1 Peter 3:7 again, focusing on "live with your wives in an understanding way."
Steve referenced Gary Chapman's five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
Questions
1. Steve told the story of finding a box of old college letters during a move — and as he started reading one aloud, Kim finished the line from memory, even though it had been over thirty years. Her love language was words of affirmation. What does that story say about the difference between giving your spouse what you would want and giving your spouse what they actually need?
2. Steve admitted, "I love you if you buy me stuff and do what I want you to do." He said it sounded terrible — but the point is, his love languages are gifts and acts of service. If a husband and wife have entirely different love languages, what happens in a marriage where neither spouse ever bothers to figure that out?
3. Peter's instruction to husbands is to live with your wives in an understanding way. That word understanding is doing a lot of work in that verse. What does it actually require of a husband — and what does it require of a wife — to genuinely understand the person they married?

Section Five: Forgiveness
Read aloud: Ephesians 4:32
Questions
1. Steve said he tells couples in premarital counseling: "If you're not mature enough to forgive, don't get married." Why is forgiveness not optional in a marriage — and what happens to a marriage where one spouse has stopped forgiving the other?
2. The lesson told the story of the knotted fishing line — the ball of tangled string he keeps in his office for couples who are arguing about the same thing in circles. The fix isn't to untangle it. The fix is to cut the line. What kinds of conflicts in a marriage actually need to be cut rather than resolved? And what stops us from cutting them?
3. Steve described his grandmother's slop bucket — the lidded container where food scraps went. Then he admitted that when he and Kim argue and he starts losing, he pulls scraps from past fights — "it's just like taking the lid off the slop bucket and throwing it on the table." Why does dragging old offenses into present arguments feel justified in the moment? And what does it actually accomplish?

Section Six: God at the Center
Read aloud: Matthew 6:33
Questions
1. Steve said when struggling couples come to him for counseling, he tells them something they don't expect: "Quit trying to get closer to each other. Spend the next month getting closer to God." What is he getting at? Why would the path to a closer marriage go through God rather than directly between two spouses?
2. Think about the triangle picture — God at the top, husband and wife at the bottom corners. As each spouse moves up toward God, the distance between them shrinks automatically. What does this say about marriages where both spouses are working on each other but neither is working on God?
3. Culture recoils at biblical marriage roles — husband as head, wife in submission — and blames them for what's wrong with marriage today. Steve had this response: "That's not the problem. That's the cure." What's the difference between a marriage that follows God's design because it has to and a marriage that follows God's design because it wants to?
4. Steve closed with this: "Happily ever after doesn't have to just be the words at the end of fairy tales — it can be the ending of your story, if you allow God's plan to rule your home." What does allowing God's plan to rule your home actually mean on a regular Tuesday — not in theory, but in practice?

Personal Commitment
Pick at least one and write it down. You don't have to share it.
* I will take divorce off the table in my own mind and in my conversations — permanently.
* I will identify one specific way I have dishonored my spouse, and I will stop.
* I will find out my spouse's love language this week — and actually use it.
* I will do one specific, creative thing this week for my spouse that they aren't expecting.
* I will identify one knotted conflict in my marriage and choose to cut the line.
* I will pray with my spouse every day this week — out loud, together.
* I will read Ephesians 5:21–33 with my spouse and talk about what we read.

Closing Prayer
* Thank God for the gift of marriage and the design He gave us for it.
* Ask forgiveness for the ways we've fallen short of honoring our spouses.
* Pray for the marriages in this room — the strong, the struggling, the brand new.
* Ask for the humility to put God at the center and let Him work outward from there.

Next Week
Open class by asking: "Did anyone do the thing they wrote down? What happened?"

5-Day Marriage Devotional: Building a God-Centered Home

Day 1: The Foundation of Commitment
Reading: Genesis 2:18-24; Matthew 19:4-6

Devotional: God designed marriage as a permanent covenant, not a temporary arrangement. When He declared "it is not good for man to be alone," He established the first human relationship meant to reflect His faithfulness. The phrase "what God has joined together, let no one separate" reveals marriage as a divine union requiring unwavering commitment. Like glue holding pieces together through pressure, commitment sustains marriages through difficult seasons. Today's culture treats marriage as disposable, but God's plan removes divorce as an option except for unfaithfulness. Commitment means choosing love even when feelings fade, staying when leaving seems easier. Your marriage vows weren't made only to your spouse—they were made before God Himself. Let this truth anchor you when storms come.
Reflection: What areas of your marriage need renewed commitment today?

Day 2: Honoring One Another
Reading: Ephesians 5:21-33; 1 Peter 3:7

Devotional: God commands mutual honor in marriage: wives respecting husbands, husbands dwelling with wives in understanding. Your spouse knows your deepest flaws, embarrassing moments, and hidden weaknesses. What will you do with that knowledge? God calls you to protect, not expose; to build up, not tear down. Love covers a multitude of sins, meaning we choose grace over gossip, kindness over criticism. When you refuse to dishonor your spouse, even in jest, you model Christ's love for the church. Every put-down damages intimacy; every word of affirmation builds it. The way you speak about your spouse to others reveals your heart. Choose today to cherish the one God gave you, treating them as the precious gift they are.
Reflection: How can you honor your spouse with your words this week?

Day 3: Keeping Romance Alive
Reading: Song of Solomon 4:1-7; Proverbs 5:18-19

Devotional: Dating/courtship shouldn't end at the wedding. The effort you invested to win your spouse's heart must continue throughout marriage. God designed romantic love to flourish, not fade. Scripture celebrates marital intimacy and ongoing delight in one another. Too many marriages practice "bait and switch"—pursuing passionately before marriage, then neglecting afterward. This creates vulnerability to outside temptation. Just as plants need water and sunshine, marriages need intentional nurturing. The small gestures matter: opening doors, writing notes, giving unexpected gifts, creating special moments. When you go the extra mile doing more than required, you reflect Christ's extravagant love. Don't let your marriage become routine. Surprise each other. Pursue each other. Keep the flame burning bright.
Reflection: What creative act of love can you do for your spouse today?

Day 4: The Power of Forgiveness
Reading: Ephesians 4:29-32; Colossians 3:12-14

Devotional: Marriage requires mature forgiveness. You will hurt each other. Unintentionally and sometimes deliberately. Harboring resentment tangles your relationship into impossible knots. God's solution? Cut the line and start fresh. Be kind, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as Christ forgave you. Some arguments will never be resolved by determining who was right. Wisdom knows when to let things go. Pulling up past offenses during current conflicts poisons the present with yesterday's garbage. True forgiveness doesn't keep score or rehearse old wounds. It releases the debt and moves forward. This doesn't mean ignoring serious issues, but refusing to weaponize past failures. Your spouse isn't your enemy but your partner. When you extend grace, you create space for healing and growth. Unforgiveness destroys; forgiveness restores.
Reflection: What past hurt do you need to release today through forgiveness?

Day 5: Putting God First
Reading: Matthew 6:33; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Devotional: A three-strand cord isn't easily broken. When God is woven into your marriage, everything changes. He designed marriage; He knows how it works best. Seeking His kingdom first doesn't mean neglecting your spouse; it means both of you pursuing God together. The beautiful paradox: when you stop trying to get closer to each other and instead draw closer to God, you naturally draw closer together. Selfishness destroys marriages; godliness builds them. God's design: headship, submission, and sacrificial love aren't the problem; they're the solution. Our culture rejects biblical roles, yet marriages crumble. Following God's blueprint brings blessing. Make Bible study, prayer, and worship central to your home. Let God's Word guide your decisions. When both partners submit to Christ, they learn to submit to each other in love.
Reflection: How can you and your spouse grow closer to God together this week?